Many years ago, I decided to try my hand at investing in the stock market. I knew enough to buy and sell stocks, but I didn’t know enough to make the decisions I was making.
I could recognize a company. I might even like its products. But liking a company’s lawnmower doesn’t mean you should buy its stock! There are balance sheets, earnings, debt, growth potential, management, competition, and a host of other things a wise investor should understand. I eventually learned that lesson the expensive way.
After getting burned and losing money I couldn't afford to lose, I had a decision to make: either invest the time to really learn what I was doing or quit investing on my own. Renee preferred the second option. I agreed. Today, we leave our investing to a financial adviser who understands things I don't.
Marriage has more in common with that story than you might think. The mechanics of getting married aren't particularly difficult. You fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, enjoy a honeymoon, and move into a home together. But then comes the part no ceremony can prepare you for: learning how to live together and love each other well.
God actually speaks directly to this. “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…” 1 Peter 3:7 (NIV) The King James Version says to dwell with your wife “according to knowledge.” I love that phrase because it tells me something important: husbands, we are supposed to become students of our wives. Your wife is not a course you graduate from! You don't reach your tenth anniversary and say, “Okay, I've got her figured out.” People grow. Circumstances change. Seasons of life change. And part of loving your wife is continuing to learn what makes her feel loved.
What says I love you to her? Is it sitting down and actually listening when she tells you about her day? Helping around the house without being asked? Bringing her flowers for absolutely no reason? Leaving a little note on the bathroom mirror? Holding her hand while you're walking through the mall? Telling her how beautiful she is—and meaning it?
Maybe it's greeting her in the morning with a kiss. (Brush your teeth first. Knowledge includes wisdom!) Maybe it's giving her a back rub that doesn't have to lead anywhere. Maybe it's simply putting down your phone, looking her in the eyes, and giving her your full attention. Who would have thought it might be vaccuming the house without being asked. That's a spark to Renee! Here's the point: Don't assume you know what makes your spouse feel loved. Learn what makes your spouse feel loved.
Oh, and wives, this absolutely works both ways. Learn your husband. What communicates respect to him? What encourages him? What makes him feel appreciated? Girls, you like to be told you look pretty! What makes you think men don't care if you never call them handsome? What unnecessarily irritates or provokes him? What can you do that says, I know you, I value you, and you matter to me? That's loving someone according to knowledge.
Sometimes the most powerful expressions of love cost almost nothing. Take a piece of paper and write, “I was thanking God for you this morning. I'm so blessed you're my wife.” Then tape it to the bathroom mirror. Thirty seconds. Almost no cost. But what might that deposit into her heart?
Those little deposits matter because every marriage eventually hits bumps in the road. There will be misunderstandings, pressures, disappointments, bad days, and moments when neither of you is at your best. Consistent expressions of love become something like shock absorbers in a marriage. They don't eliminate every bump, but they can greatly soften the impact.
It's true that the little foxes can spoil the vine. But I've also learned something else: little acts of intentional love can strengthen the vine. And God connects honoring our spouse with something tremendously important—our spiritual lives. “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7 (NIV) God cares deeply about how we treat the person we promised to love.
So become a lifelong student of your spouse. Pay attention. Ask questions. Learn what blesses them. Then don't just know it—do it! Keep making those deposits of love, honor, affection, encouragement, and kindness.
And if you're not married, the principle still works. Learning what encourages and blesses the people God has placed in your life will strengthen almost any relationship.
“Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:8 (NIV)
Prayer: Father, help me never to take the people I love for granted. Teach me to pay attention, to understand what blesses them, and to express my love in ways that are meaningful to them. Help me to walk in love, honor, kindness, and understanding each day. In Jesus' name, Amen.
