Have you every had scriptures that seemed difficult if not impossible to obey and walk out in your life such as, "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." — Exodus 20:12 (NIV) Some commands in Scripture seem difficult to obey because life has complicated them. For example: 'Honor your father and mother.' That was personally easy for me because I had fantastic parents. But not so easy for those who feel their parents were neglectful, cruel, abusive, or absent. How does a son or daughter honor parents who left deep wounds instead of a legacy of love?I once spoke with a young woman who struggled with this very question. Her father was a drunk, in and out of jail. Her mother, lost in her own addictions, hardly noticed whether her daughter was home or gone. She grew up in a house of chaos, fear, and loneliness. A work friend had invited her to church and she gave her life to Christ at that service. In her Bible reading she read scriptures about honoring her parents. Though she wanted to do all the Bible taught her, this seemed like an impossible weight and task. How could she honor people who had so dishonored their role as parents? Dare I say millions around the world struggle with that question today?
What does it mean to honor? To honor our parents does not mean approving of their sin or pretending their failures didn’t matter. It doesn’t mean allowing them to continue toxic behavior in our lives. The Bible never calls us to enable abuse or stay in harmful situations. Instead, biblical honor means recognizing the role God gave them in our lives, even if they fell short.Jesus confronted the hypocrisy of religious leaders who twisted God’s commands. Yet, despite their failures, He still acknowledged their position of authority (Matthew 23:1-3). Likewise, even when parents fail us, we can still acknowledge that God chose them as the vessels through which we entered this world. That alone gives their position significance—even when their actions don’t deserve respect.
Forgiveness Does not mean trust! Some people wrestle with the idea that honoring parents means pretending the past didn’t happen. But that’s not biblical. Jesus Himself said, “Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16, NIV). We are called to be wise, discerning, and careful with trust. Forgiveness is a command, but trust is earned.Forgiving a parent doesn’t mean allowing them unrestricted access to your life. It means releasing them to God’s justice, and in your prayers for them, refusing to let bitterness take root in your heart (Hebrews 12:15).
Think of Joseph in the Old Testament. His brothers betrayed him, sold him into slavery, and left him for dead. Years later, when he had the power to punish them, he instead chose to see God’s hand at work. Genesis 50:20 (NIV) “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Joseph forgave, but he also tested his brothers before trusting them again. His forgiveness was real, but it did not ignore wisdom.
So how do we honor difficult parents? For those who, like me, had good, loving parents, honoring them is a joy. But for those whose parents were destructive, honoring them becomes an act of obedience to God rather than a response to their worthiness.Here are some ways we can honor even when it’s difficult: Pray for them. Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44, NIV). If He calls us to pray for enemies, surely He calls us to pray for broken parents.
Refuse to seek revenge. Romans 12:17 NIV says, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.” Even if they were cruel, we honor God by choosing righteousness over retaliation. Speak truthfully but respectfully. Honoring doesn’t mean lying. If the past was painful, it’s okay to acknowledge that. But how we speak about our parents should still reflect godly character (Ephesians 4:29).
Set healthy boundaries. Sometimes, honoring means loving from a distance. This includes toxic friends that continually hurt you! If a parent is still toxic, it is not dishonoring to protect yourself and your family. If you seek God, He will show you small safe ways, to engage with the love of God, yet keep your distance from what always turns out to be toxic. (And I shouldn't have to say this but make sure it's you that is not the dysfunctional and toxic person in the relationship. Examine your heart but don't let the devil twist things in your mind. A great mentor or counselor can help you sort that out. Live in a way that reflects Christ. Some parents will never change. But when we live a life transformed by Jesus, we show them a testimony of God’s grace.
For those who grew up with loving parents, honoring them comes naturally. But for those whose parents failed them and continue to make the relationship impossible, know that God Himself steps in to fill that void. “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me” (Psalm 27:10, NIV).
God is the perfect Father. He sees the wounds inflicted by earthly parents and offers healing. He places spiritual mothers and fathers in our lives—mentors, pastors, godly friends—people who model His love.On the cross, Jesus looked down at those who had betrayed, abandoned, and tortured Him. Instead of rage, He spoke words that echo through eternity: “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34, NIV). That is honor. Not excusing sin. Not denying truth. But releasing others to God’s hands, trusting His justice over our own.
If you struggle with honoring your parents, take heart. God sees your pain. He doesn’t call you to pretend it didn’t happen, but He does call you to walk in freedom—free from bitterness, free from anger, free to trust Him with the justice only He can bring.
So on that note, let's pray! "Father, I thank you that you know me inside and out. And that you live me inside and out. You know the pain, disappointments, and hurts I've experienced from my parent(s). Help me to honor them in the way You desire—not by pretending they were perfect, but by choosing to live in a way that reflects Your love. Give me the strength to forgive, the wisdom to set boundaries, and the peace that comes from trusting You. Thank You for being the perfect Father, for loving me when others failed, and for healing the broken places in my heart. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
In His love,
Pastor Tim Burt
