Over many years, Renee and I have had some truly tremendous friends and friendships that have brought us so much joy and enriched our lives! Our greatest friendships have been with people who have, somewhere in life, learned the art of conversational exchange. I'll explain what that is momentarily, but what it is not is something that guarantees rich relationships. It is something that enables them if people or couples have the mutual compatibility that could lead to great relationships.
Every meaningful relationship thrives on the art of conversational exchange. It’s not just about talking. It’s about engaging in an ongoing, heartfelt, and intentional conversation where each person listens as much as they speak!
James 1:19 (NLT) Instructs us, "Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."
This verse captures the essence of the conversational exchange. Jesus is our perfect example. In His earthly ministry, He was the ultimate example of someone who practiced the exchange. He not only taught, but He listened.
Consider the story of Bartimaeus, the blind beggar. When Jesus was in the area, blind Bartimaeus was calling out to Him. Others tried to shut him down, but Jesus didn't. He already knew what Bartimaeus needed, yet He asked:
Mark 10:51 (NIV) – "What do you want me to do for you?"Why ask, if He already knew? Because Jesus valued the exchange. He wanted Bartimaeus to express himself, to feel heard, to voice his faith. And when He listened, Bartimaeus didn’t just receive physical sight—he received dignity, love, and recognition.We see this pattern throughout Jesus' interactions—with the woman at the well (John 4), with Nicodemus (John 3), and with Mary and Martha (Luke 10). He engaged. He asked. He listened. He responded. They exchanged what was on their hearts. Jesus listened to them, and they listened to Jesus. And in each case, they experienced their miracle.
Are We Really Listening?
Do people really listen well? I am not so sure. Most people like to talk and tell their story. They are usually good at that but not so much at the exchange! Exchanges of heart are often one-sided. In today’s fast-paced world, communication has become a lost art. We love to talk, but do we listen?
This past year, I contacted an old friend for coffee and to catch up on each other's life. We were friends but hadn't seen each other for a couple of years. I wanted to find out how things were in his life. We met for almost 90 minutes, and I certainly did catch up on his life—for 80 of the 90 minutes we spent together, I listened to all that was going on in his life. And then he had to get to work. We left without him asking a question about my life. That was okay. No hard feelings. I've been guilty of that very same thing. I was glad to hear all that was going on in his life. But without the exchange, it felt incomplete—like he didn't care. The truth is, I know him well, and I know he cares. But for this conversation, it was without the mutual exchange of discovering the current heart of each other, and so it wasn't at all what I had expected.Have you ever noticed that some of the most fulfilling conversations you’ve had weren’t just about what you said, but about how the other person listened? There’s a powerful truth in the quote often attributed to David Augsburger:"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable."
What a profound statement! Being truly listened to—without interruption, without judgment, and with genuine care—can feel like love itself. And isn't that what we all long for? To be heard. To be understood. To know that someone values us enough to engage in the exchange—the art of mutual listening, learning, and sharing.
James 1:19 (NLT) tells us, "... be quick to listen." Yet, so often, we do the opposite—we are quick to speak and slow to listen. True listening requires humility, patience, and a willingness to not shut down, but to sincerely listen to what the other has to say. As I said earlier, that doesn't guarantee a great relationship, because people don't all think alike or embrace and love the same things. And most haven't learned the art of conversational exchange and so one talks and the other listens. That relationship probably won't go far!
When there is mutual compatibility and people do enjoy many of the same things and they practice the art of conversational exchange, it can lead to wonderful relationships. And it won't be the compatibility that drives them. It will be the art of mutual conversational exchange.If we want the richest relationships, we must ask:
- Am I truly listening when others speak, or just waiting for my turn to talk?
- Do I seek to understand, or am I focused on proving my point?
- Am I building up those around me through the exchange of love, patience, and attentiveness?
Do you want to experience great relationships? This is the path to get there. When you find those who have great compatibility and you both learn to master the art of conversational exchange, that is when you'll experience your best life-giving relationships that make your life sweet!
Proverbs 27:17 (NLT) "As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend."
More next time on Relationship Killers
.In His love,
Pastor Tim Burt
